I didn't write anything in my previous blog about Grandma's funeral. I didn't know what to write actually, so thought I would just put in the pictures.
Well, I've had a bit of time to digest it all now, so thought I'd write a bit about it.
The day started early, and emotionally. I'd been feeling ok in general in the time leading up to the funeral, however that morning I felt constantly on the edge of breaking down - be it caused by some music I heard, or my make-up not going on right, or whatever. I understand now that I had been putting a lot of my emotions on hold, but I just couldn't do it anymore that day.
We arrived at my Grandparents house, and it was a beautiful day so I went out to the garden with Francesca. I was so pleased to see Francesca there, as she gave us all this positive ray of light to focus on, a distraction from what was really going on. She knew there was something different about today, and she was on her best behaviour, she is such a sensitive little soul. We showed her the mint plant that grows (and has done for as long as I can recall) in the top right corner of the flower bed and showed her to crinkle the leaves and smell them. Dad showed her a snapdragon plant and where to squeeze it. Greg and I found where the sweet peas used to grow by the wire fence on the left. We showed Francesca a dried poppy seed head, and how the seeds came out of it, and she ate one of the strawberries that was ripe. Greg and I reminisced about climbing the apple tree, and the bumper tomato harvests that garden has produced over the years! The brick wall of the outbuilding still has a target painted on it that has been there since my Dad was young! Francesca was collecting stones and one of them turned out to be some chalk, so we showed her how it would draw on the bricks (not sure she believed it would until she saw it with her own eyes!).
And then the moment came. The funeral cars arrived. I had been holding it together but at that moment it all became very real and I was having to swallow back tears. Everyone seemed reluctant to leave the house, so it took us a while to get organised and get ourselves into the two cars to follow the coffin on the journey to Slough, but eventually we were on our way. What a surreal journey. Slowly winding our way through Maidenhead and out the other side towards Slough. I just kept thinking, the last time I made this journey it was to visit my Grandma in hospital. I veered between OK and really not OK on the journey, but as we pulled into the crematorium and piled out of the cars into the waiting area I was in tears. There was a bit of a wait, we managed a few jokes about the loo's and how noisy the doors were and so on, and then it was time to go in.
At this point, I had a moment where I felt that I couldn't breathe. I have no idea how the rest of my family managed to remain so dignified. We went outside to see the coffin being carried into the crematorium, and then followed in. I was properly sobbing, desperately trying not to, and failing miserably to pull myself together! The only person I remember seeing on the way in was my godfather Simon (you can't miss him, he's so tall!) but other than that I just kept my eyes on the floor and my mind on putting one foot in front of the other.
The service was really nice. I mean, for a funeral service it was as lovely as you can get. My Dad stood up and said a few words on behalf of my Grandad and the rest of us, and I don't know how he managed it but he did a grand job. I was very proud (and yes, still in tears!).
We then went outside to view the flowers. I should add, that at this point I really really wanted to run away and be anywhere other than where we were, or to rewind or something, as this part being over meant it was really really true.
The flowers, as you may have seen on the previous post, were absolutely beautiful.
From there, we travelled in the funeral cars onto the Conservative Club in Maidenhead for the traditional gathering. I met people I haven't seen since I was a child (and apparently I went to that place a lot as a child but I have no memory of it!). I drank a few measures of gin (with canada dry of course) and found myself sat in a chair next to my Auntie at one point. My Auntie Nicky and I are constantly being told how alike we are by members of the family. And they're not wrong! We sensed we were being talked about, I think people were asking if we were sisters and we gave each other a wry smile as if to say 'oh that old chestnut about people thinking we are alike'. Then we had to laugh as we realised how similar our outfits were, how we were sitting in literally the exact same position (legs crossed in the same way, both holding empty plates in the same hand - honestly, it's uncanny) and how we almost have the same hairstyle. We were talking about how surreal it was to be there, and how it really felt a little like all this was happening to someone else. So I guess you could say that it still hadn't really sunk in.
Later that evening, we all got together for a curry. It was a wonderful evening, you know the sort where you just rejoice in being in each others company, and manage to have a bit of a laugh together to keep each other going.
All in all, not a day I will forget in a hurry, but one that I feel was just the right way to celebrate the life of my Grandma. All together, as a family, just the way she would have wanted it. I like to think she was there too you know.
